Why Saying No Feels Hard (Even When You're Exhausted)

Maybe you've said to yourself, "I just need to get better at saying no."

But everytime the opportunity comes, you freeze. You overthink it and get worried that you will hurt someone's feelings or make them mad. So, what do you do?

You say, "Sure, no problem."

Again.

For a lot of Christian women, saying "no" feels hard because it triggers something:

• Feeling too irritated or angry to say what you're really thinking out loud

• Fear of being misunderstood

• Fear of losing connection or approval

• Thinking that you have to do xyz so that you don't lose your job, lose face, lose....fill in the blank!

• A deep belief that God has "called" you to this role (job, volunteer role, etc) so you must say "yes" to every request

• Fear that you will disappoint God

Can I clear something up for you real quick?

If those are the thoughts and feelings you are struggling with, that's not God whispering to you or convicting you. It's more likely a pattern of thinking, feeling and believing that's developed over months, years or a lifetime of experiences that have reinforced these thoughts and feelings so much that now you think these thoughts and feelings are truth.

This, my friend, is not truth.

Your brain and body have likely learned to say "yes" when you mean "no" for one of these reasons:

• This is how you have learned to keep the peace (at home, work and/or church).

• You are naturally a bit of a people pleaser and you've put out the doormat.

• You learned somewhere along the way that serving others in the way Jesus did means showing up, saying yes, and following the leader at all times.

Truth, real truth, can be found in God's word and through the study of science and biology.

Your body and brain are absolutely brilliant! God's design is insanely wonderful! (Ps 139:14) You may feel like your brain has become your enemy, especially if you struggle with racing thoughts, thoughts of not being enough, and thoughts like, "I can't say no. I don't want to ruffle any feathers."

Your brain and body are wired to keep you safe. They are your fiercely loyal security team. However, sometimes, they get a little overzealous.

This is your reminder that your nervous system is constantly asking one question: “Am I safe?” This is often so quietly swift, that you don't even notice your brain/body jumping through this hoop. What you notice is your heart racing or stomach hurting.

Every reaction you have…anxiety, shutdown, overthinking, people-pleasing…
It’s all your body trying to answer that question.
Not “Am I successful?”
Not “Am I liked?”
But “Am I safe?”

And when safety feels uncertain, your system adapts fast. If you feel chronically unsafe, your nervous system develops a hair trigger, and even things that are likely safe are deemed unsafe by your nervous system.

This is why saying "no" gets really hard.

Here is the good and liberating news:

Your brain can change (and that’s part of the design too)

This is one of the most hopeful truths:

The same brain that learned “I have to keep everyone happy to be okay” can learn something new! Through intentional thought patterns, safe experiences, and repetition, your brain and nervous system can begin to believe new things. Here are a few things your nervous system can learn:

• I can say no and still be safe.

• I don’t have to carry everything.

• I am allowed to take up space.

That’s not just psychology.

That’s renewal. (👀 hello Romans 12:2 energy)

IT'S ACUTALLY KIND OF STUNNING!

You are walking around with a built-in protection system that is also capable of restoration and renewal. You are designed with intention.

You are NOT broken.

You just have a system that learned how to survive and now you are ready to learn how to live, think and believe differently.

Learning how to do this is best done with support, community, encouragement and accountability. Coaching or counseling, depending on your specific needs, may be helpful!

Connect with me to learn more at www.thementalhealthchick.com

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Because I know so many of Christian sisters struggle with People-Pleasing, I have created People-Pleasing Detox: How High-Capacity Christian Women Say No Without Guilt.

This is your invitation! In this 90 minute workshop, we are going to look at God-given guidelines to manage your "yes" and your "no" with confidence! I am hosting this live on Saturday, May 9th at 11 am on Zoom. Please join us! Walk away with practical tools, simple scripts, and the confidence to set boundaries without guilt.